40 weeks and counting

Beginnings and Endings

2008-04-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

Tuesday the 8th of April I started having contractions at around 9pm. I had been feeling wonky all day Monday and suspected that this would be coming sometime soon. The contractions weren't too strong or regular, mainly just really annoying Braxton Hicks type contractions. They went away enough for me to sleep until about 3 am and then started coming more regularly along with severe lower back pain. I slept on and off until A woke me up around 6am. S was planning on staying home anyway to watch A during my last OB appt at 11:45. I decided to wait to see what Dr. F said at my appt rather than go to the hospital. The contractions weren't really that bad...bad enough that I had to breath through them but not bad enough that they were particularly painful. They kept petering out and then coming back stronger and then petering out. I didn't want to go to the hospital until I was sure that I was really in labor. My Mom was going to drive 3 hours one way for the birth and I would've felt terrible if she had started her journey only to have to turn around because the hospital sent me home.
When I get to the Dr's office she is running 3o minutes behind on appts. Meanwhile I am contracting in her waiting room and starting to sweat a little. I brought all of the stuff for the hospital with me in the back of the car in case she sent me to the hospital but I was wondering if I would be able to make it to the hospital driving by myself.
Dr. F checked my dilation (nothing). She asked me if I wanted to just do the c-section. Of course! But first she had to call the hospital and make sure they had an operating room ready.
Well, I guess every woman in town had decided to go into labor that morning and they had no rooms available! WTF? They considered my c-section elective since I wasn't dilated and basically told my doctor to send me home until they had room. At this point I was picturing laboring until Monday when I had my c-section scheduled anyway. Dr. F told me that there was no way in hell this baby wasn't going to be delivered that day. She suggested I go home and wait until after dinner (but not to eat anything before then as they want at least 6 hours before giving the anesthesia) and then go to labor and delivery. Once they saw I was in labor they would have to call her for a recommendation and she would tell them to keep me at the hospital until a delivery room opened up.
So I went home and labored and waited. It was hard to just wait not knowing what was going to happen. Plus I was worried about my Mom making it in time since this would be her last grandchild as she had missed A's birth.
We left for the hospital around 6pm and they admitted me to monitor my contractions. I still wasn't dilated at all, but I never dilated with A even after 16 hours of hard labor. Sure enough, I was in labor so they called Dr. F. She told them to admit me for surgery at 8pm. Things started happening really fast from that point on. My Mom arrived and they prepped me for surgery. Before I knew it S and my Mom changed into scrubs and were put in the surgery waiting area. After an extremely painful spinal block where the anesthesiologist missed my spinal cord 4 different times and then told me there must be something wrong with me because she couldn't get the needle in. Bitch, I am contracting and have a uterus the size of an aircraft carrier. Don't fuck with me right now.
After what seemed like forever they tested me for numbness, my doctor came in and chatted with me for a while while they prepped me. S and my Mom were let in. Everything seemed so surreal. All the nurses and doctors were chatting while they were working. The only indication that there was actual surgery going on was the occasional pause in conversation with my Dr. asking for some surgical tools or the smell of my cauterized flesh wafting over the drape. I felt some tugging and realized that we were very close. My Mom and S were watching them trying to get little W out and S told me later it was a good thing I couldn't see what was going on because apparently she was stuck in there good. My Mom said that Dr. F was pulling so hard her face was turning red and the assisting doctor was pushing down on my upper abdomen while leaning into it with his feet off the ground. At one point they called for reinforcements because they weren’t sure they could get her out. My Mom said she almost felt like passing out at one point but looked down at my face and saw I wasn't in any discomfort. At 9:21pm little W was born quietly into the world. S cut the cord while my Mom took a million pictures. I started shaking and feeling cold which is a reaction to the blood loss and anesthesia. Dr. F informed me that I had a lot of scar tissue and that it was going to take her a while to sew me up. S stayed like glue with baby W while they checked her out.
It took the doctor so long to sew me up that I was starting to get really worried. Luckily the anesthesiologist warned me before the most uncomfortable part happened...the stuffing of my aircraft carrier sized uterus back into the incision. I can't even describe what that feels like, but even numbed up it was extremely uncomfortable.

W started nursing like a champ in the recovery room and stayed pretty much latched on to my ni.pple for 48 hour straight. My hospital stay was very restful, although I was desperately wanting to see my little A and wondering how he was going to take having a little baby around.

So far everything has been very very good. A has had his temper tantrums and jealousy and I have felt like the worst mom in the world, but what else is new? W is a dream baby…very calm and even tempered. She sleeps pretty well at night, which is all I can ask.

Which brings us to this blog. My 40 weeks is officially up and I really don’t think continuing here has a point. Here is my new blog

www.18yearsandcounting.blogspot.com

You are welcome to join me.

She's here....

2008-04-12T13:50:00.000-07:00

As of Wednesday, April 9th at 9:21pm. 8lbs, 15 oz and 20.5 inches long. More details when I have time...

38 week appt

2008-04-03T12:19:00.000-07:00

My 38 week appt was yesterday and all is looking well. GBS test came back negative, which doesn't really matter since I am having a c-section anyway, but it is nice to know just the same. I have 11 days to go until my section date and honestly it can't come fast enough for me. I am feeling very ungainly and tired and just ready to get this baby out. The doctor estimated yesterday that she is already 8.5 pounds and I am not surprised. My abdomen looks like it is about to split like a ripe watermelon...and feels that way too.
My sleep at night is just awful. I am waking up at least every half hour to hour to change positions because my hips start to ache. Or I am waking up to pee. Either way, I am not getting much rest. S gets up at 5:30 am to start his shower which wakes me up. Usually, A will hear the shower start and come in around 5:45 am to try to start the day. I will make him go back to bed until at least 6. I feel like a zombie most days and unfortunately for A my patience with him is very very thin. Especially when he gets up at 5:50 am today to tell me that he has peed all over his bed because he took his pull up off in the middle of the night so he could "feel the softie blankets on his pe.nis." Yeah.
I can tell little Dippe is totally out of room in her little womb house. She doesn't really have overt movement any more, just squirms and pokes. She still gets upset when I have a full bladder. I am sure anything that takes up more room in my abdomen makes her uncomfortable. I would love for her to come any day now but I am not holding my breath. A came a day late. I am regretting not taking the section date for Wednesday the 9th. I didn't do it because it wasn't convenient for S or my Mom (who is planning on being in the OR during the surgery). Now I am thinking, "Who the fuck cares if it was inconvenient for them?"
My last OB appt is Wednesday. I can't believe that in 11 days time I will have another child. For her sake I hope she is an easy baby.

Update and 37 week appt

2008-03-26T18:39:00.000-07:00

Well, Monday evening I get a call from the office manager of my OB's office. She listened to my tale of woe and then apologized profusely. She agreed that I had a valid gripe about being rescheduled so many times and admitted that while reschedules are par for the course in obstetrics the amount that I had received in a row was excessive and wrong. She told me that my doctor would be calling me back later in the evening to confirm my c-section date. I felt better after the phone call because at least then I knew that it had been brought to her attention by someone in the office and hopefully that meant that no one else would have to go into hysterics to get treated fairly.
My doctor called a couple of hours later and had already spoken to the office manager. She, also, apologized and explained that the lady who was at fault in all the scheduling mistakes had been taken off of that position indefinitely until she can retrain and have a much needed attitude adjustment. She gave me three tentative dates for my c-section and said she would have the hospital liaison call me back to confirm a time the next day. She also tentatively made an appt with me for Weds (today) at 10:30am for my 37 week appt. She told me that she was supposed to scrub in at 9am for a c-section but that she was just assisting with that operation and that I should call around 9am the morning of the appointment to see if the she started on time. That way, if she were running late I would know and be able to leave my home accordingly. All in all, she said that they were using my situation as an example for their next staff meeting of their piss poor customer service and promised that things would be better.
As promised, the scheduler called the next day with the date and time of my c-section (April 14th, 7:30am).
I made plans with a friend to watch A because I knew they would be giving me my GBS test today and I didn't want him in the room distracting the doctor while she was sticking her finger up my butt and a swab in my vagina. Also, I wanted to make sure that if she were late I wouldn't have to worry about keeping A entertained.
As directed, I called the office this morning at about 9:15, just as I was leaving the house to drop Angus off. The receptionist said, "Well, I have no idea whether or not Dr. F started surgery on time. She didn't call to say she was running late so just assume that no news is good news and go ahead and come on in as scheduled." I drop Angus off and am on my merry way. My cell phone rings as I am about 80% of the way to the office. "Hi, this is the Receptionist from Dr. F's office. Her surgery has been pushed back an hour and a half so we are going to have to.... (wait for it)....reschedule you for another time next week."
At this point I just start hysterically laughing. What else is there to do? Really, I just can't win for losing at this point. I am actually quite calm about the whole thing because I don't have A with me so making a 1.5 hour round trip for nothing isn't as big a deal.
I say, "Well, I can't come back in this afternoon and since this is my second rescheduled appt this WEEK I am going to have to pass on coming back at all. It is a waste of gas and a waste of my time. Since I am already almost there, is there any way that I can just come in and have my blood pressure and urine tested and leave?" She puts me on hold to see what she can do. My doctor's assistant comes on the phone and starts apologizing profusely and mentioning bad luck and Murphy's law over and over again. She states that another doctor (Dr. Boogernose) will be able to see me when I arrive. I am fine with that. Honestly, I just want to get this appointment over with.
I get to the office and the receptionist doesn't even have to ask for my name, which is a first. When I come out of the bathroom from giving my sample there is a lady standing in the hallway waiting for me. She introduces herself as the office manager and shakes my hand. Then she tells me that Dr. F is 15 minutes out and will be here to see me. Imagine my surprise!
After months of never seeing my doctor and being rescheduled over and over I finally get to see her. She is just as warm and kind as I remember her. She looks a little flustered and told me that she drove like a bat out of hell to get to the office for my appointment but she is here and here just for me.
She checks my dilation (nothing) and tells me the baby is face up which is the worst position for vaginal delivery in terms of pain. I am measuring right on track and the baby's heartbeat was 136. I have gained 36 pounds (ugh). Then she pokes her finger in my butt, and swabs my vagina. Talk about anticlimactic.
Now the waiting game commences. Will I make it to April 14th as planned? I am seriously doubting it. Although Angus was a day past his due date, he came 3 days before my scheduled c-section date. I just have an intuition that Dippe will be making her grand appearance sooner than that. But what the hell do I know? It may just be wishful thinking on my part.
My next appointment is a week from today. 19 days to go before Dippe makes her scheduled appearance. Now that I don't have my doctor's office to focus my stress on I am going to have to freak out about something else now. I am sure I will find something.

You won't believe it

2008-03-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

Went in for my OB appointment today and guess what? The doctor wasn't even there...she was at the hospital delivering another woman's baby.
I am beyond upset. I made another 45 minute trip only to be rescheduled...again. I was so upset I couldn't even speak and then I burst into tears. I had to call my husband on the phone to calm myself down. Why didn't they call to tell me she wasn't even there? AGAIN? My poor son spends 1.5 hours in the car for absolutely nothing.
After all the guarantees that I would see my doctor today I have been let down again. S suggested that I have her call me today to schedule the c-section and air out my grievances. He also suggested asking her for a referral to another doctor if she can't see me this week.
Pregnancy shouldn't be like this. I am regretting not changing doctors sooner.

36 weeks and more OB Woes

2008-03-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

So, I get a call this morning an hour and a half before my scheduled appt time. The appt desk was calling to let me know that the doctor I was supposed to see is out sick and they need to reschedule me. Again. In case you are counting this is the 5th fucking time I have been rescheduled. So I went completely apeshit on the woman (I didn't yell, just told her what I thought of the fact that I have been rescheduled so many times). She ends up telling me that it is not her fault the doctor is sick (true) and that I need to "work with her." I tell her that I am tired of working with this office and that I am about ready to take my business elsewhere. She asks me to come in at my regular appointment time to day and I can see Dr. Boogernose who happens to have a spot at almost my same time (10 mins earlier). I agree, double checking that this is not the doctor on call today because if I am on my way to the office and get rescheduled again I will probably go on a fucking rampage and blow some shit up.
I arrive 10 minutes early with A. in tow. We sign in. We wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. For an hour. A FUCKING HOUR IN THE WAITING ROOM WITH A TWO YEAR OLD. I finally get up and go to the window. The receptionist, seeing my face probably red with fury, assures me that I am going to get called back right now. We go back to the room and the medical assistant takes my blood pressure, 130/90. She looks surprised and asks if I have ever had high blood pressure before. I say, "Well, my blood pressure is probably high because I have been waiting in the waiting room for an hour trying to entertain my two year old after having my appointment rescheduled for the 5th time today." She looks at me, surprised and says, "Sorry. Well, Dr. Oncall will be in very soon." Wait a minute. Not Dr. Boogernose?
The reception desk has fucked me once again. And lied to me. If I had known that the doctor I was seeing was going to be the on call doctor I would've just skipped this appointment all together. Being seen tomorrow wasn't an option as I already had commitments made that I had to attend to. I explained this all to the woman on the phone and it didn't matter. I still got screwed.
Dr. Oncall (who was the Dr. I mentioned previously that wore the "fuck me" stiletto boots at another appt) comes in and we have our typical appt. She asks me if I had any questions and I ask her if I am ever going to have an appointment with MY doctor, since I have three weeks left. Because I would like to schedule my c-section (more on this in a minute). She tells me she will give the reception desk a note giving me permission to see my doctor early next week so we can schedule it as soon as possible. Then she tells me they have to recheck my blood pressure but not to worry they will get the arm cuff "For bigger arms." I swear, if my head could've popped off right then it would've. Now I am being told I have "big arms."
My blood pressure was fine by then and they let me go. I scheduled my appt with my doctor for this Monday. And I swear to god if this appointment gets rescheduled I am going to change doctors and take my insurance money for my big, fat c-section elsewhere.
I have decided to just pass on the VBAC. I was reading the blog of a woman whose child ended up with cerebral palsy due to complications during labor. I know that this is a small concern for the average woman. But for the pelvically challenged like me the risk of something happening (cord compression, shoulder dystocia, etc) is greater. Honestly, it isn't that important to me to take the risk at this point. Yes, recovery is going to suck. And yes, there are risks to major surgery. However, I am just not willing to try anything else at this point.
The doctor told me today that Dippe feels like a big baby. I am measuring a week ahead. On Monday I will know my baby's birthdate. Or I will be finding a new doctor.

35 Weeks

2008-03-14T20:14:00.000-07:00

Please let these next few weeks go by fast. I am feeling gigantic and stretched very, very thin. This gigantic baby within me feels like she wants to punch her way out and do some break dancing. I am sure she is very cramped in there and yet she still makes these gigantic movements every now and then that are very painful. Seriously it feels like my belly is going to split in two when she does this. She is getting more and more hiccups lately too, which allows me to truly see that she is head down. The hiccups are usually on my left side and down so I guess she hasn't engaged in my pelvis yet.
I forgot to post a new symptom...leaking breasts. Fun, and fashionable. They are leaking a bit later this time than with A. I hope my milk comes in more quickly than it did with A. Those couple of days with just colostrum were tough for the both of us. Luckily the nurses gave us one of those SNS things that let me supplement with a little formula to stop the constant crying but allow me to get the nip*ple stimulation I needed.
In addition to leaking breasts I have terrible indigestion right now too, which I didn't get with A at all. T*ums have become my after dinner mint of choice.
I figure I should probably go out and buy all the stuff I will need for my hospital bag this next week. And fish the car seat out the garage to wash all the fabric parts on it. I can't believe that within a month's time (hopefully) this baby will be here.
So, if you see a gigantically pregnant woman at Target this weekend downing T*ums with two wet patches on her shirt purchasing tiny travel sized bottles of shampoo, mattress sized maxi pads, and breast pads just look the other way.

OB DOA?

2008-03-05T18:29:00.000-08:00

I haven't seen MY actual OB in 4 months because I am in a rotating practice and there are 6 doctors in it. 2 appts ago I was supposed to see her because she was up next on my rotation. The morning of the appointment I get to the office and find out she was on call that day and someone was having a baby so she was at the hospital. Luckily they had another doctor squeeze me in so it wasn't a wasted trip (I drive 45 minutes one way to get to this office. The length of time is so long because of terrible traffic). When I talked to the lady at the appointment desk I told her it would've been nice to know that I wasn't seeing my doctor that day. She flips me an attitude and says, "Well, I DID call your house at 8:30 to tell you." My appointment was at 9:00 am. I tried to explain to her that I have to leave at least 1 hour ahead of time to make sure I get to my appointments, especially during rush hour traffic. So, calling me 30 minutes before the appointment is supposed to start doesn't do anything for me.
So they schedule my next appointment with my OB. 3 days after I schedule the appt they call me to tell me that my OB won't be in the office that day, so I need to see another doctor. I guess my doctor decided to be out of the office for a week, so it isn't possible to see her. Now, I am getting pissed. That is 2 reschedules in a row and it has been months since I have seen my actual OB.
Finally, they just skip her on the rotation and schedule my appointment for today with another doctor. I figure it is annoying but once I reach 36 weeks I will see her only every week so I decide not to say anything about it. I get to the appointment desk and schedule my appt for 2 weeks from now with my OB (finally).
I am on my way to the park today with Angus and my cell phone rings. It is MY F*&KING OB'S OFFICE CALLING TO RESCHEDULE MY APPOINTMENT!!!!!! Apparently the front office staff messed up and my doctor has JURY DUTY the week of my appointment. My 36 week appointment! Where they will be doing my Group B Strep test and also possibly scheduling my c-section. I was waiting to talk to MY doctor to really discuss in depth the VBAC and now I won't be seeing her until I am 37 weeks (if I make it that long. Hey, you never know) unless they reschedule me, of course. I was so pissed off that I asked the appointment scheduler if I should just change doctors right now because I am wasting my time driving 45 minutes one way to an office that I have only stayed with because I love my OB so much (when I see her). Luckily the scheduler was nice and let me pick my next favorite doctor to see and any time or day I wanted (which probably means somebody else got bumped but at this point I don't care).
The hospital that she has privileges at is also 30-45 minutes away and there are two hospitals that are a 20 minute drive away. There are many things that would be more convenient about finding a doctor closer. I don't know how impossible it would be to find an OB this late in the game but after today I am considering it. It just seems like it would be more of a hassle than its worth right now and to be honest I am scared of picking a new doctor right now when I might be having a repeat c-section. I don't like the idea of a doctor I have only known for 5 appointments doing major surgery on me.
If you have made it this far please tell me what would you do? Would you change doctors? Would you mention any of this to your regular OB? What exactly would you say? Am I just being hormonal or does 3 rescheduled appointments seem like a lot?
Oh, and my appointment today went well. Dippe is healthy, I am a cranky whale...its all good.

I'm a whale

2008-03-02T18:26:00.001-08:00

I saw a picture of myself taken in profile and I have to say I am a whale. Or the prow of a ship. And I am getting stretch marks in places I didn't get them with my son, which is a bummer. I seem to be carrying all out in front instead of all around like I did with A. Oh well, that is the price you pay for being pregnant and eating like a pig.
I have an appointment on Wednesday...my 2nd to last appt before I go to weekly appts. Hard to believe that I am only 4 weeks away from being full term. This last month went by so quickly! I would never want to endanger the life of the baby, but I wouldn't be sad if she came a little early instead of waiting the whole 40 weeks like her big brother did.
I am still vacillating between doing a VBAC and just scheduling a c-section and getting it over with. I do feel weird picking out the birthday of the baby, although with A. he came 3 days before his scheduled section any way. I have a feeling as I get closer to 40 weeks I will be more desirous just to get things over with in the quickest way possible for my own selfish reasons.
I waited in line for 2 hours on Saturday morning to register A for preschool. He didn't get in to the 3 day a week program because it was already full (WTF? We were first in line) but he will be attending the 2 day a week program which is exciting for the both of us. I think the time I get to spend alone with Dippe 2 days a week will be beneficial to all three of us. Plus, I think A will be excited to have all the stimulation that comes with being in preschool. I know he gets bored some days with just me trying to interact with him. The transition will be rough because he doesn't do too well in new situations. But I think he will be okay after going a couple of times.
That weird pain in my back from last week came back this morning and stayed around until close to 3pm. It didn't get as bad as it did then, but maybe that is because I took some tylenol preemptively as soon as I felt the discomfort. I have no idea what Dippe is pressing on in there to make that pain but I wish she would knock it off.
I am going on a Mom's retreat next weekend and I am thrilled. My patience with my husband and my son has been not so great lately, so a weekend away is going to be a much needed break for all of us. I went apeshit on S today for moving my purse in the car because I thought my sunglasses had fallen out when he moved it...only to discover my glasses were still in my purse, just at the bottom where I couldn't see them. S just looked at me with a smirk and didn't say anything, but I felt like a real horse's ass for flying off the handle so quickly. I am sure S and A are probably just as ready for this pregnancy to be over as I am.

32 Weeks

2008-02-20T20:57:00.000-08:00

Well, I gained like 4 pounds in two weeks. Oops. I am trying not to beat myself up about it too much by just rationalizing that every non-baby pound I gain I will just have to lose after the baby is born. Which isn't really working. Oh well.
I had my 32 week appt today. Everything is looking fine. The doctor who freaked me out by telling me that I was measuring 2 weeks large told me today that I am now right on track. So, I got the guts to ask her what exactly that meant. She said, "Oh, nothing. It is normal to measure +/- 3 weeks. Don't worry about it." How irritating. That would've been nice information to know when she freaked me the fuck out a couple of months ago with her, "Wow, you are measuring huge!" comment.
I had a little scare happen yesterday afternoon. I woke up from my afternoon nap with a weird pain around my kidney area on the right side. It felt like a stabbing pain that just wouldn't go away. Of course, I feared the worst and immediately starting freaking out. Which made the pain worse. Poor little A didn't know what to do because he has never seen me like that. So he got his little step stool and was trying to find me a band-aid to "make it all better." It was so sweet. He even gave me kisses on the face to make me feel better...which from him is a precious gift nowadays. It got worse so I called S and asked him where he was on his drive home and luckily he was only 10 mins away. Of course, right before he gets home the pain stops. I have no idea what it was but it hasn't come back. I asked the doctor about it and she just said the baby was probably pressing on some nerve bundles and that caused the pain. It certainly didn't feel like labor...just a weird pain.
I have no new symptoms to report. Dippe is still moving around like crazy. I am getting bigger. My hands are too swollen to wear my wedding set now. I really am lucky that this time my face has stayed clear. I also don't have a linea negra to speak of, but with A by this time I had a very faint one. My hips still ache all night long and I am not sleeping well.
We got to see Dippe on Saturday at my stepdad's office. She was putting her hands around her face and sucking her thumb. It was adorable to watch. We got some pictures but not very good ones. A wasn't too impressed...he wanted to mess with the ultrasound machine and was quite put out when he didn't get to. Then my stepdad did an ultrasound on his heart and stomach and all was well.
My friend from the Mom's Club just delivered on Tuesday an 11 pound baby. Holy shit! I still haven't heard if she managed that vaginally but I am impressed nonetheless. Dear lord, please let this baby not be 11 pounds.

31 weeks

2008-02-12T21:18:00.000-08:00

And still coughing. Stupid flu just won't go away. I think I am making up for all the calories I missed when I was on my death bed two weeks ago, however. I just powered down fries and fried zucchini from Carl's Jr with Ranch. Man was it good. I also ate some cookies today, had a blizzard at TCBY, and basically snacked my way through the house. It wasn't pretty. Oh well. And this weekend I will be visiting my Mom for her birthday and she is always trying to stuff me full of food even when I am not pregnant so the week will probably end up being not so great in the weight gain department. Hopefully, Dippe is going through a growth spurt so this will all just wash out. Ha!
I woke up this morning with my old friend sciatica shooting through my right leg. Ugh. I am much farther along this time than with A when it started acting up, which is definitely a blessing. The pain went away mid-day, so I am hoping that it is just irritated from the sleeping positions I am in. The baby may be resting on something that is irritating the nerve. Unfortunately, there is not much I can do about that. Except deliver this baby in 8 weeks.
Dippe is still moving around regularly. She has been giving me very powerful thumps to the cervix which make me gasp in pain every so often. Who knew such a little thing could be so strong?
For some reason my sleeping has been better. My hips still ache and wake me up, but the time between wake ups seems to be increasing. I am grateful for any length longer than two hours, especially since A has taken to waking up at 6am sharp every morning. Luckily, he is so tired from waking up so early that he is relatively compliant about taking naps.
My stepdad is a Urologist and has his own in office ultrasound machine. While we are visiting this weekend we will get a sneak peek at Dippe again. His probe is a different size than the one they use for OB ultrasounds, however, so it does look very different. We did the same thing with A and got to see him sucking his little thumb. But we won't be able to see anything as detailed as an anatomy scan. For some reason I am paranoid that Dippe is actually Dip and all this pink stuff in the baby's room will be all wasted. My mom was like, "The baby won't know" and that is true, if Dippe were actually a boy he would have no idea he was wearing pink flowered outfits. I am usually not one to fall into gender stereotyping myself. But I have to admit that it would bother me having to explain to perfect strangers that my daughter was actually a son. And I would feel obligated to explain. I find it interesting that my mom would be okay with dressing a boy up like a girl, but almost had a heart attack when we mentioned we weren't planning on circumcising A. I guess her open mindedness only goes so far.

On the mend

2008-02-04T22:04:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the comments on my last post. I feel so ungrateful when I complain about anything while being pregnant. There was a time not too long ago that I would've endured anything if it meant that I would be pregnant and have a real live baby in the end. And I know so many people who still feel that way. I should be more appreciative of the blessings I do have in life instead of focusing so much on what I don't have.
I finally got some sleep over the weekend, with the exception of Saturday, which I will explain in a moment. I actually took 2 naps on Sunday and then went to bed early that night. I woke up this morning still feeling tired but definitely better than I did on Friday.
On Saturday my wonderful girlfriends threw me the most beautiful baby shower you ever did see! And it was a total surprise!
Here is a picture of the set up
There were 20 ladies in attendance, including my sister and my mom (who made a surprise 3 hour trip just to come). Everything was pink and brown to match Dippe's room.
One of the best presents was the bedroom set that my Mom sewed. It turned out just beautiful and I am so grateful that my mom is such a crafty lady and so generous with her gift.
There is a matching bumper pad and dust ruffle. She had left over material and is sewing some curtains to match. Love that woman!
Here is a picture of all the lovely ladies in attendance. I am the one in the dead center with the long dark hair and dark shirt. Sorry, no close ups..I am very self conscious of how I am looking right now.
I got so many wonderful gifts, the tea nibbles were amazing, and it was definitely a good end to what was a very long and tiring week. I am so lucky to have such great friends and family!
Now I have to write out all the thank you notes...the only bad part.
I had my 30 week appt today and now I start appts every 2 weeks. Hard to believe that I am 10 weeks away now.

Remember

2008-02-01T17:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Cate,
Its days like today that you need to remember the next time you even vaguely consider having any more babies.
Remember that feeling in the shower this morning of complete and utter despair because you are about to have 12 two year olds descend upon your house in 30 minutes and you got 4 hours of broken sleep the night before because you were up all night coughing because you have been sick with the flu for 5 days and you are exhausted.
Remember how you cried your head off today because your son spent playgroup acting out on the other kids and how you blamed yourself for his behavior because you haven't been able to give him as much undivided attention this week.
Remember how you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and thought it was someone else because your face is so bloated and your eye sockets are dark from lack of sleep and general pregnancy hormones.
Remember the desperation you felt when you started picturing having another little one after A had his umpteenth meltdown of the day.
Please read this letter when and if you start feeling any sort of desire to get pregnant again.
Lots of love,
Your exhausted, frazzled, and having a moment of clarity self,
Cate

Hiccups

2008-01-24T13:43:00.000-08:00

Dippe finally got her first set of hiccups last night. Well the first set that I could feel. It is such a strange experience feeling a baby hiccuping inside you. Honestly, I was getting a little weirded out picturing a baby inside me getting the hiccups. Just makes everything seem more real.
A had terrible hiccups in utero. He would get them at the same time every night, right before I would fall asleep.
My feelings of apprehension about being a mother of two is starting to give way to excitement. I am looking forward to meeting little Dippe and hoping that having a newborn around isn't too traumatic for my son.

The third trimester

2008-01-19T15:13:00.000-08:00

Holy frickin' crap! Where did the time go? Seems like I was just talking about puking my guts out and getting too big for regular clothes. Now all of a sudden I am double digits in days away from meeting Dippe. And scared shitless.
There is something to be said for the ignorance of a first time pregnancy. You don't know the enormity of what is to come. You can spend your time imagining all the blissful moments you experience having a newborn around. Picturing the wonder of motherhood you fold and refold all the little clothes and try to imagine meeting your little one for the first time after your perfect, glorious birth.
Then the baby arrives and your world is turned upside down.
With A, I was totally unprepared for the constancy of motherhood and the inevitability of the mistakes I would make, not only as a first time mom, but as a human being. Every day brought new situations that I had no idea how to handle. I felt inadequate as a mother and wondered constantly how my son would ever survive to adulthood with a bumbling idiot for a mom.
Obviously I made it through and my son is still alive. I still feel like a miserable failure at parenting >80% of the time, but I guess that is okay since it is down from 100% at the time of his birth. Everyone tells me that the newborn stage the 2nd time around is easier. I am hoping that they are right.
Dippe is a very active little one right now. She kicks and punches and moves around all the time. She also gets herself caught in very uncomfortable places still. Now that she is bigger it hurts more when she gets "stuck."
According to my pregnancy books she is able to hear sounds from outside the womb now and is opening her eyes. I wonder what she sees in there? I wonder what she hears? She will probably come out reciting Hop on Pop and Fox in Socks since I am reading those books to A at least 10 times a day each (at his request).
I feel like a whale and I still have 3 months to get bigger. I am nervous about being a newborn mom again. I am wondering what little Dippe will look, act, sound, and smell like. I am looking forward to being done with pregnancy once and for all.

26 week appt today

2008-01-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

To VBAC or not to VBAC, that is the question.
I got to see my second favorite doctor in the practice today. She has the same very low key approach to pregnancy as my doctor, which is very refreshing. In fact, if I didn't love my main doctor so much I would probably switch to this doctor.
We had a very interesting conversation about Vaginal Birth after Cesarean today. I never really got to labor with A. My sister was diagnosed with Cephalopelvic Disproportion while giving birth to her first daughter and ended up having an emergency c-section. Long story short, I guess I have a narrow pelvis too (which is a total laugh because my ass and hips look like the classic "birthing" kind). My dr. informed me that I could probably squeeze an 8 pounder through, but anything bigger than that would be near impossible. A was 9lbs 2 oz and delivered by c-section. I had a c-section scheduled but ended up going into labor 2 days before on my own. I was in labor for approximately 12 hours with no change in my cervix and since we had already scheduled the c-section my doctor ended up doing one.
I always wondered if I should've pressed the issue more and at least attempted to get to active labor to see what happened. Honestly, after experiencing so many losses I was just happy to get a live baby out of the whole process and didn't care about how he got here. So I just trusted my doctor's instincts and went ahead with the c-section.
Now Dr. #2 is telling me that she thinks a VBAC would be appropriate here and that there really is no way to predict how big the baby will be and how everything will turn out. Also, they can't force me to do a repeat c-section. Why wasn't this stuff brought up the first time? I kind of got the impression from MY doctor that a c-section was the only way to go even though it was my first attempt at delivery.
I just don't know what to do now. I want the baby to get here safely. I also want to attempt a birth the old fashioned way. There are risks to repeat c-section as well as to a VBAC. Do I let my desire for a vaginal birth lead me down a path that could end up in having an emergency c-section due to failure to progress? Or a possible uterine rupture causing fetal death or hysterectomy (the risk is <1%)?
I just don't know. And the doctor couldn't give me the magic answer I was looking for. She couldn't say either way what would be best. She basically told me that the decision is up to me.
In other news, my uterus is still measuring two weeks ahead, my GTT was normal, and everything is looking very healthy.
And I think I have decided on a name.

By the way

2008-01-05T14:12:00.000-08:00

If you ever get tired of the baby stuff, I do have another blog. I have to warn you, though, I mainly use it to vent about stuff that I wouldn't normally talk about in real life. So there is a lot of bitching and swearing on it. I also say a lot of very ugly things.
I am still kind of timid about sharing the link, so let me know if you would like to read it and I will email you.

Not too much to report

2008-01-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

I am getting rather large but not too uncomfortable yet, except for sleeping. I am probably not getting more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time. My hips are still killing me and I end up tossing and turning from side to side all night trying to get comfortable. This is exactly what happened with A's pregnancy.
In addition to having aching hips, my pea sized bladder makes me get up every 2 hours anyway. There is nothing more annoying than sitting on the toilet at 3 am feeling like you have to pee a waterfall and only a tiny trickle comes out. I figure if I am going to get my ass out of bed and sit on that cold toilet seat the least my bladder could do is oblige me with the god damn Niagara Falls shooting out. Dippe has taken to kicking my bladder repeatedly if it is even the slightest bit full, which also adds to the fun.
Dippe has been very active lately, especially in the evening. I have no idea if its kicks or punches but she does it a lot, especially at the top of my uterus. Speaking of my uterus, it must be gigantic. They haven't done an official tape measurement at my appointments yet, but it feels like it is pretty high up there. Makes me worried that I am going to feel more uncomfortable faster this time around.
I am in the midst of potty training A and I have to say that lack of sleep is making my patience very thin. Not to mention the fact that he is deep in the "terrible twos" and doesn't listen to a word I say unless it involves candy or toys. We have been trying the super*nanny techniques for time outs which doesn't really seem to be working. The only reason I say that is because he will get a time out for something, come out of time out, then go and do the thing he just got put in time out for doing. I get scared because in a few months I will be adding a newborn to this mess and I wonder how I am going to handle it all.
Please, please, please let Dippe be one of those "easy" babies I have heard so much about.

Almost 25 weeks...

2007-12-25T18:45:00.000-08:00

The baby fever has finally started to hit. I see babies everywhere and I want to hold them. I heard a newborn baby crying in the next aisle at Target the other day and it was all I could do not to run over there and pull that little thing right out of his car seat and cuddle him. I am amazed that I didn't spontaneously start lactating. I can't believe that I will have one of those little things in a matter of weeks. 15 to be exact.

This weekend my Mom and I picked out the fabric for Dippe's crib bedding. If she is anything like A. she won't be sleeping in her crib for a while but it is always nice to have the room all set up. What I like best about the bedding is that it has minimal pink. Just pink accents, which are very pale and not over powering. I like pink as a color. In fact, it is one of my favorite colors to wear myself. For some reason, however, I just have issues with the fact that most girls clothes are pink. And most girls bedding is pink. Just like most boys' clothes are blue.
I know there are better things to think about. But it is fun to indulge in tiny little baby clothes with little details like matching shoes and hats. Because babydom is really the only time when you can get away with wearing an ensemble that has a hat, shoes, and outfit all made of the same matching material.

I can't believe that I am only 3 weeks away from the 3rd trimester. Where has the time gone? I have a feeling these next few months are going to go by so fast. This time of year always does for me. Once Christmas and New Year's are over there is a birthday or two every month until June. Needless to say, it is a busy time of year for me.

Next week I will be going in for my GTT. I am half scared I won't pass. With PCOS there is a higher risk of gestational diabetes.

Baby Bean Dippe has been very active lately. She also keeps getting stuck in uncomfortable places and squirming around until she gets herself unstuck. I feel like I want to just reach in and move her out of the way myself because all of her squirming is very uncomfortable. I was reading that already she is starting to run out of room in my uterus, which would explain all the squirming. I hope she does some redecorating because she still has almost 4 more months of occupancy.

Doctor's Appt

2007-12-14T12:57:00.000-08:00

I am now 22 weeks 2 days gestation. And I have gained 15 pounds. Stupid cookies.
My appt. went well. Quickest appt I have had since I found out I was pregnant. I didn't have to wait the customary 15-20 minutes before I got into the exam room, which was a nice surprise. The Dr. has gotten a new assistant and she was very nice.
The doctor himself was very nice as well..his bedside manner has improved greatly. The only problem was that he had a gigantic booger hanging out of his nose. I was so distracted by it that I could barely pay attention to what he said the whole time he was talking to me. I kept trying to avoid looking at it, but my eyes would drift down and then I would get grossed out and look away. Yes, I know I should've said something but I don't know the guy very well and am a chicken shit. If it had been a friend I would've. I feel bad now. Hopefully his assistant noticed and helped him out.
Anyway, my ultrasound results were in as well as the AFP results. Everything was normal, which is wonderful. Next is my GTT in 3-4 weeks and then it is cruising like a bloated viking ship towards delivering this little girl. Hopefully I make it through the holidays without packing on any more pounds. I think I am doing okay compared to Angus, though. I couldn't wear my wedding rings by this time in his pregnancy.
You may be thinking, "Why is she so obsessed with her weight gain?" Well, because I realized how stupid I was in my pregnancy with Angus by eating like a fiend and gaining so much weight. It was a bitch to lose and took me over a year (not a year from when he was born, a year from when I started actually trying. Angus was actually 8 months old) to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. So, I am trying to be more sensible this time. I am 3 years older this go around, and my body just doesn't bounce back as well.

Smooth Sailing

2007-12-09T08:13:00.000-08:00

Nothing new to report on the pregnancy front. All is going well. I am feeling pretty good with the exception of feeling tired. My sleep is still very disrupted by pee breaks and freakish dreams. Not to mention my hips aching like an 80 year old woman's because I'm not supposed to sleep on my back. So I am rolling around all night trying to find a comfortable position and taking my 30 body support pillows with me at each change of position. It doesn't make for a very restful night.
Baby Bean Dippe is moving around like crazy at night too. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering why I am awake and then feel her punching and kicking around. I wonder what she is doing in there...having a house party?
My next appt is this coming Friday in the morning. I am scared to see how much weight I have gained. The holiday eating has been out of control and I haven't even reached Christmas yet. I am also not looking forward to seeing the doctor. He was the one doctor in the practice that I didn't really like during Angus' pregnancy. His bedside manner is terrible and his assistant is a jerk. She was the only one that hassled me last time about my weight gain, which wasn't really that bad. Mi*lla Jovo*vich just had a baby and gained 90 pounds during her pregnancy. I gained half that. Of course, she is half my size so who knows what that means?
Anyway, everything is going well.

Kicking her way to freedom

2007-11-30T22:15:00.000-08:00

Baby Bean Dippe (see the extra "pe" at the end of Dip? That is the feminine spelling of Dip, in case you didn't know) seems to be trying to kick her way to freedom. Or maybe punch. It could be both, since I have no idea where she is actually sitting in my uterus. With A, I would receive this treatment mainly when I was lying on my right side at night. For some reason he really hated when I did that and would kick and punch me until I rolled over. Dippe seems to be having a free for all on my cervix and bladder. This makes me wonder if she really is a soccer player in training...my bladder is sort of ball shaped, right? Perhaps she is doing drills in there, preparing herself for World Cup 2027?
On the symptoms front, my face has suddenly broken out in teenage acne, but only on one side of my face. Weird. Also, I have been having an unquenchable thirst lately, which doesn't seem to go away for very long. I guess I should be doubling my normal water intake since my blood volume has doubled? I don't know, but that is a lot of water to be drinking for someone who has suddenly developed a pea sized bladder and has a future soccer player kicking at her bladder for hours on end.
Surprisingly, I have been very healthy this pregnancy as far as colds go. With A, I was sick pretty regularly. At least once every 6 weeks. I am now halfway through my pregnancy and have only had one cold. This is amazing, especially since A has been sick a few times and hasn't managed to pass it to me.
My next doctor's appointment is in 3 weeks. I am not looking forward to stepping on the scale. Darn scones.

All is well

2007-11-20T12:38:00.001-08:00

Baby Bean Dip is measuring right on target. I guess my 9lb 2 oz son stretched my uterus out so much that it is just 2 weeks bigger than it should be. Who knows? I am just breathing a sigh of relief that the baby looks healthy and happy in there.
As for the sex...well, you can push me over with a feather. Its a girl! I am very surprised and a little scared. My sister has 2 girls and they are the drama queens of the century. Always getting their feelings hurt, crying all the time, and generally extremely touchy little people. A is such a rough and tumble kid, sensitive yes, but not disposed to drama in the least. I am not sure how I am going to deal with a girl child that is extremely girly or frilly...two things I am not. I didn't even know how to pluck my eyebrows until my sister held me down and made me do it in high school.
And please keep the name suggestions coming...I have no idea what we are going to name this little girl. Damn, my boy's name was so cool, too.

Doctor's Appt today

2007-11-13T22:14:00.000-08:00

18 week appointment today. Baby Bean Dip's heart rate measured 166 bpm, which is normal. I met one of the new doctors to the practice and was less than impressed. As she was palpating my uterus she exclaims, "Wow, your uterus is all the way to your belly button! That is really big for an 18 weeker!" Me, stunned, says, "Well, could it be because this is my second child?" She gives me a blank look and says, "Uh, yeah, I guess so." And then continues on, business as usual.
What the fuck? Why would you say that to a pregnant woman? Or anyone in general? That would be like a doctor examining you and saying, "Holy shit, take a look at that gnarly mole! Those aren't supposed to look like that! Jesus, that is terrible!" Patient says, "Could it be cancer?" Doctor says, "Uh, yeah, I guess so. Now lets discuss why your hair isn't as shiny as it should be."
Of course Dr. Google has told me that having a bigger than expected uterus is caused by having too much amniotic fluid. Which is caused by various and sundry birth defects, most of which are incompatible with life outside the womb.
I am pissed at myself that I didn't ask more questions. I guess I just figure that if it was something to really worry about the doctor would handle it. But I really need to be more proactive in my health care and less trusting that something that should be noticed will be. I know I will be getting a detailed ultrasound in a week's time, which is probably what would happen if something were really wrong. But doctors shouldn't say shit like that to people and have it go unchecked. If I were really a dedicated person I would call the doctor back and make her explain what she said and ask her if something truly could be wrong.
But I won't.
I will just freak out until Tuesday and go from there.

Sometimes things go wrong

2007-11-08T19:19:00.000-08:00

This is what everyone who is trying to conceive should be told. Because I don't think all of us realize that the responsibility of being a parent starts from the moment you get that positive pregnancy test. Suddenly, you are the keeper of a life that is not your own. Your educated guess may be called upon in a time of trouble to make a decision that will effect someone other than you. This burden falls on the shoulders of a small few, however, just like miscarriage fetal death is the dirty little secret of pregnancy that you don't hear about until it happens to you.
I have been reading the blog of a woman who has found out that her 20+ week fetus has a condition that is incompatible with life outside the womb. She and her partner are making the agonizing decision as to how to proceed.
I also read the blog of a woman who chose to terminate and was discussing how horrible it was to be walking into the hospital to end the pregnancy and feeling the baby kick her. I can't imagine what must've been going through her mind. At this point I can't even wrap my mind around it.
These decisions are not easy to make and fracture the reality of the person making them forever. Life must seem divided from that point on...the time before and the time after.
Why, then, don't we hear about these things more often?
Is it because doctors don't want to frighten pregnant women? Technically, most women will never even come close to having to make a decision like this. So I guess OBs are playing the odds that past a certain point a woman will be bringing a healthy baby home. Because most of the time that is what happens.
I personally don't like the idea of everything being fine until its not. I suppose this is why I want to know about what happens in the real world to real people. These women are not any different from me. One day I could be one of them. I would rather hear about the heartache and imagine the tragic what ifs than wake up one day and be blindsided. Maybe I am the only pregnant woman in the world who feels like this. But I just can't imagine that these women have suffered and lost for nothing.
Yes, this is a depressing post. But this is what I am thinking about nowadays as the day of the big ultrasound approaches. There are no guarantees in life.

Actually looking pregnant today

2007-11-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

And yet, none of my old maternity clothes fit. I am not sure if this is because I started out weighing less this time, or because I puked more during the first trimester and actually lost weight. Whatever the case may be, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I only have 3 pairs of pants that fit, but they are the under the belly kind and I find them irritating at best. They seem to hit on the worst part of my belly...right where my uterus meets my intestines. Blah, this is turning into one big complaint blog. Unfortunately, that is how I am during pregnancy. Perpetually annoyed.
Something positive...my sense of smell seems to have diminished, which is refreshing. My house no longer smells like a morgue, my husband no longer smells like a corpse, and my son no longer smells like a urine factory.
I am having the worst time deciding on a name for this baby. Well, actually, to be more precise I am having a hard time deciding on a girl's name for this baby. The boy's name is already on lock down. I am feeling so strongly, though, that this baby is a girl that I fear I won't be able to use the wonderful boy's name I have picked out. Oh well, there is always postpartum gender reassignment. Or, I could get myself together and start seriously considering a girl's name. There are a couple that I like, but none that I really love.
I am looking for a name that is unique, but not hard to spell or pronounce. Nothing too popular or trendy. I am not a big fan of boy's names for girls. Nor do I like traditional names with strange spellings or "y"s and "i"s inserted in weird places.
So, if you have any suggestions I would love to hear them.

Braxton Hicks

2007-10-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

I had my first recognizable Braxton hicks contraction yesterday morning. It felt so strange. I get this really weird breathless feeling when I get them. It is amazing to me how different this pregnancy is from A's. I didn't get any noticeable BHs until closer to 25 weeks. I am 10 weeks early this time.
I have been feeling so much this time. Its like my uterus has taken over my body. I feel it every time I move. Even when I am not moving it is still there, like a bowling ball in my gut. It is a strange feeling, especially so early on. I am kicking myself right now for not keeping a pregnancy journal with A's pregnancy. My memory of what happened 3 years ago is terrible.
The dreams I am having are still very vivid and very disturbing at times. I had a dream 2 nights ago that my mom died and my dad (who is divorced from my mom) was trying to steal my inheritance from me. Like physically steal it from me by breaking into my house and taking money from me. I spent the whole dream running around the house stashing cash in all the nooks and crannies. I even put some money in the cap of my deodorant.
I also had a full conversation with S last night when he came to bed and I don't remember any of it. He says I sat up in bed, commented on the commercial that was playing, and then had a minute long conversation with him. I then kissed him and rolled over and went to sleep. And honestly, none of that sounds familiar at all. I told him he should've used the time to find out some of my innermost secrets and he said he was tempted but was afraid I was going to wake up.
Well, my brain is about used up from typing this extremely long and complicated post. On to week 16!

Movement

2007-10-23T19:54:00.000-07:00

There is definitely something alive inside me. This being has been giving me subtle little kicks or punches every now and then to remind me that he or she is in there. They are very gentle right now, but I know what is to come. A spent the last trimester of my pregnancy kicking the every living shit out of my right side. For some reason he hated it when I would lie on my right side at night and would wake me up kicking and punching me until I rolled over.
I would love to say that I am full of wonder and delight at feeling baby bean dip move, but honestly I find this part of pregnancy a little disturbing. Not only does the baby moving around feel really strange, but when you can see your stomach roiling around with all of its little twists and turns it gets really bizarre. I always have the vague feeling of the guy in Alien just before the alien pops out of his stomach. Something to look forward to, I guess.
I am still feeling nauseous on and off. Mostly I feel pretty good with the exception of being very tired. I am not sleeping well due to very strange dreams and not being able to get comfy. But, like I said in my last post, I don't expect this to get any better for the next 2 years.
I am going through some intense guilt lately about what A will have to deal with when his sibling is born. Sometimes I feel stupid for thinking I can handle two. Mostly I feel like this time with A is precious because I won't have him all to myself ever again. There is something special about spending quality one on one time with your only child. I feel like I should be taking advantage of the time we have left by doing some quality bonding. I hope when he is in therapy later he doesn't blame me (too much) for ruining his life by having another child.
My emotions seem to be getting the better of me lately as well. I feel like crying a lot. Probably because I feel guilty about everything lately. I also feel very intense love for my son and my husband, except when I am feeling annoyed with them which happens just as often and occasionally at the same time.

Appointment

2007-10-16T12:12:00.001-07:00

Heard the heartbeat, but I have no idea what the bpm was. I think it is better that way, one less thing to obsess over. I got my referral for the big ultrasound and it looks like we will be having it right before Thanksgiving. What a nice bit of news that will be for Turkey Day!
A came with me to the doctor's office and of course they were running 20 minutes behind. He was very well behaved, however, and didn't complain once. I got to meet the new doctor in the practice and she seems very nice. Actually seemed genuinely concerned about my nausea and vomiting, offering to prescribe something for it instead of the old "well, it will get better soon" song and dance. She was also okay with me stopping the prenatals, since they seemed to be making the nausea worse. Flintstones chewables and folic acid supplements were her recommendation, which is what I was planning on doing anyway. Her outfit, however, was a little surprising. I am used to my OB who wears kind of Earth Mothery sweaters and khakis with a big chunky necklace. This doctor was wearing "fuck me" knee length leather boots with a stiletto heel and a tight black dress that looked like it belonged in a night club instead of a doctor's office. I probably did a double take when she walked in, but hey, if she feels comfortable in that kind of get up I am all for it. I was trying to picture her delivering a baby in those boots but I am sure she is sensible enough to trade them in for some comfy 4 inch Jimmy Choos on her on call days.
Her assistant kind of pissed me off when she asked me if I was having twins. It made me wonder why she asked that? Is it because she thinks I look big? Are my hcg results really high? Have I gained too much weight? I was annoyed to say the least...you would think if anyone should know not to ask stupid questions like that it would be a medical assistant in an OB's office!
By the way, thanks to everyone who has commented thus far. I appreciate your support and it is nice to know that I am not going through this alone.

13 weeks

2007-10-14T12:33:00.000-07:00

I am feeling better. Food seems to have much more appeal to me, especially things I would've barfed at the thought of 3 weeks ago. I am feeling tired still most of the time, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that I probably won't stop feeling tired all the time until about 2 years from now. Yes, its depressing to think about but things only get worse in that respect before they get better. Maybe this time I will luck out with a baby that wants to sleep instead of a baby that prefers to scream. I hate mentioning it because I feel like I will be tempting fate and I don't want to jinx myself.
My dreams are still extremely vivid and totally bizarre. Some of them are so disturbing that they cause me to wake up repeatedly at night. And still no sex dreams with "the big finish." By this time in A's pregnancy I was having at least one a night.
I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and I am kind of nervous about it. I really am flying blind this pregnancy. With A's pregnancy I rented a doppler so I could hear his heartbeat whenever I wanted. Which was at least once a day, sometimes more until I read that they still haven't proven that ultrasound waves aren't harmful to a developing fetus. They should be able to hear baby bean dip's heartbeat with the doppler at the office on Tuesday but I am still terrified that there will be nothing there. And I will go into the situation completely blind like I did the first time. I have these horrible thoughts imagining them telling me again that the fetus had died. My only comfort is that if that really does happen I will elect to have the d&c done right away, instead of waiting over the weekend to decide and experiencing the most traumatic day of my life.
Yes, I know these thoughts are morbid. But honest. Pregnancy after loss is not a cake walk. It is a roller coaster ride vacillating between the dizzying heights of excitement and the depths of agony and despair. I will say that this pregnancy isn't as terrifying as A's by any means. I have already decided, though, that if things don't work out with this one I will not take this ride again. I think my capacity for pain and disappointment is pretty much used up and I want to save room in case I need it later for something else.
Okay, enough with the depressing stuff.
Man, I would kill for a bottle of La Crema right now. What does it mean when your friends are already planning a drinking party for you the week after your baby is born? I am not joking. They are calling it my "coming out" party and are already starting to plan it. I am not sure if that should make me laugh or make me worried?
I will update after Tuesday's appointment. I get to meet the new OB in my practice so that means I will need to borrow S's weed whacker and make sure all of my pubic ducks are in a row, so to speak. I would hate to terrify the poor thing on our first meeting. She will see all that unpleasantness when I can no longer reach that area in about 3 months or so. I should probably start now, it may take me until Tuesday to thin all that out. Josh, if you are still reading this blog I am sorry you had to read this last paragraph. I am sure that is more than you ever wanted to know about me.

I'm Not Fat, I'm Pregnant...

2007-10-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

And not in the cute, glowing, Mother Earth sort of way.
I have come to accept that I am not a pretty pregnant person. Hair starts to sprout in strange places all over my body. I get these weird patches of dark pigmented skin. My body starts to store fat in my back like I was going into winter hibernation. Yes, just my back. Did I mention that my nose and face swell to double their normal size?
I do not get a "cute little baby bump" that sticks out like a basketball underneath my shirt. First, I just look like I have a spare tire. Then I look like I should be wearing stretch pants, slip on shoes, and shopping at Wal Mart (which I do frequently). And finally I look like a chubby woman who might be pregnant but you are afraid to ask because I could just be shoplifting a turkey under my shirt.
Overnight I have jumped right into the spare tire hanging over the top of my pants stage. This spare tire could probably fit on Gravedigger.
Too bloated to wear my regular jeans, not big enough to pull off maternity shirts without looking ridiculous.
On top of all of the body weirdness I am also really not interested in doing much in the way of self care other than showering. Plucking my eyebrows has been limited to keeping them from forming a unibrow. My mustache is out of control and starting to grow down into my chin whiskers. Lets not even discuss the horrors that are my bikini line or leg hair. I keep waiting for someone to shoot me with a tranquilizer dart and put me on the cover of the National Enquirer, "Sasquatch female found browsing at Wal Mart!!!"
So, I bought a new pair of maternity pants today to get me through the in between phase. I put them on right as I got home and immediately felt like a new woman. There is nothing like letting it all hang out without worrying about looking good. At this point, I have resigned myself to at the very least making sure I am clean and don't smell. Anything above and beyond that (hair styling, make up, clothes that match) is just a bonus.

Is that a light?

2007-10-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked the end of a two day non puking streak! Although I did puke today and yesterday, I am doing quite well. Once a day is great, since it used to be almost 3-4 times daily. So it looks like there may be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I have to say that my dreams at night are starting to get very disturbing. They are always very busy dreams where I am being chased by something, have to get something done in a very short amount of time, or have something really terrible happen to me physically. The other night I had a dream that I found this large, pulsating boil on my leg between my knee and my upper thigh. I figured it would go away if I left it alone. S and I start to get busy in my dream and when he takes my pants off he sees this gigantic boil. Instead of being horrified he is fascinated (that is probably the most realistic part of the dream) and starts trying to convince me that he should lance it for me or squeeze it like a pimple to pop it.
I tell him that I am scared and that it really hurts and not to do it, but he holds me down and does it anyway. Pus starts squirting everywhere and now we are both screaming because it is so disgusting. I actually woke up with a scream in my throat because the dream was so real. It took me a minute to remember that it was actually a dream and that there wasn't a baby's head sized boil on my upper thigh.
My pregnancy with A was riddled with sex dreams every night that were very graphic. I had a dream that I was a MAN doing a WOMAN from behind. I woke up and wondered, "How in the hell do I know what THAT was supposed to feel like?" It was intense to say the least.
So now I am wondering if this means that baby bean dip is a girl. Doesn't it seem typical that a boy would make someone dream about sex all the time and a girl would make someone dream about poor body issues and low self esteem?

Insomnia strikes again

2007-09-26T07:48:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 4 am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. My mind was whirling with thoughts and music kept playing in the background (R. Kelly's Ignition(Remix) and Beautiful Liar by Beyonce/Shakira in case you are curious). I knew Steve's alarm clock was going to go off at 5:45 am but no matter how I tried I couldn't go back to sleep. I seem to recall this happening with A's pregnancy too but I don't remember when it started. I wish I had kept a pregnancy journal.
Funny thing is that I was sleeping on the couch last week while I was sick with my cold so my coughing wouldn't wake A or S up. I slept like a log on that couch. No tossing and turning or waking up early. I wonder what it is about that couch that lets me sleep so well. Maybe it is the fact that I am sleeping alone?
I have to be honest, I have never understood the reasoning behind why husbands and wives have to sleep together in the same bed in the same room. I mean, when you are sleeping its not like you are going to be having heart to heart discussions about your life philosophies. Sex could always be accomplished in one bed and then each party goes on to their separate bed in their separate room afterwards.
S gets annoyed when I mention this because he thinks I am saying something about sleeping in bed with HIM. He actually is a relatively quirk free bed partner. He DOES push all the covers on me when he is hot and wiggles his feet when he is falling asleep and he snores occasionally. Other than those things, however, he is a relatively considerate bed mate. Well, except for the fact that he hits his snooze button 3 times before getting up.
Sleep never became more precious to me than when I became a Mom. Now I know that even one hour of lost sleep is exactly that...lost. A wakes up and my day starts, no matter what the time on the clock says. Sometimes I get to nap during the day when A naps, but it is hard for me to nap knowing that he could wake up at any moment. I usually fret about it until it gets too late to fall asleep.
I guess this is the sacrifice we make when we get married/have kids. Sharing our bed and our sleep is a reminder that we are no longer autonomous. I just wish the reminder wasn't so glaring for me.

A squandered opportunity

2007-09-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today I had a glorious 3 hour window of opportunity. My aversions were minimized and I actually felt relatively good about eating. No nausea, just a feeling like a normal person for once. I was at a birthday party for one of A's friends when it hit. So I ate real food and felt fine. I enjoyed myself and it was great.
I watched food network without gagging. I made plans for a dinner party I will be attending next week and actually looked forward to the food that would be served.
Then the panic set in. Just like always. I flashed back to my first miscarriage where I woke up one morning and felt absolutely fine. I figured since I was 12 weeks along that it was just the end of morning sickness and the beginning of the "golden trimester." What my naive little self didn't realize was that my baby had died and within a week's time I would be experiencing the most horrifying trauma of my life...delivering my dead fetus.
Even though I had just seen little baby bean dip on Wednesday growing just fine and looking like a little gummy bear with a perfectly beating heart, I still couldn't get the fear out of my mind. What if my baby is dead again? How could I live through the loss of another? My fear was starting to build and I began to feel helpless.
I remembered the bone crushing pain of months and months of blame and asking myself what I did wrong to make my baby die. Was it the beer I had before I knew I was pregnant? Was it the hot bath I took the day I took my pregnancy test? I didn't know what had happened and I thought that there must've been something I could've done to prevent it.
With A's pregnancy it felt like I was keeping him alive through my sheer will alone. I paid attention to every symptom obsessively. I was terrified of the times when I didn't feel him moving. It was not a fun time for me to say the least.
The day he was born was a relief for me because I had brought him safely into the world. A live baby. I did it, finally.
I resolved when I found out I was pregnant with baby bean dip that I wouldn't follow that path again. It was stressful and unproductive and now that I had A I didn't have to prove myself again, right?
I slipped up today. I fell down again for a frightening afternoon into the abyss of terror that comes with me having to give up control. I felt sheepish as I was puking my guts out in the toilet after dinner tonight. I had wasted a few precious hours of normalcy with my obsession.
I don't know if I can ever do anything that will put my history out of my mind completely. But suddenly in this helplessness I found a measure of peace. Because really, I am helpless and powerless in this. I have no control over whether something bad happens. Yes, I take precautions and do what I can (take prenatal vitamins, see a doctor, etc.) but if something really is going to happen there is nothing I can do to stop it.
So I should just accept it.
And let go.

Saw baby bean again today

2007-09-19T16:36:00.000-07:00

He/She actually looks more human now and is much bigger. Everything is looking well, arm buds and leg buds in all the right places. My doctor is trying to be optimistic about the chances of having a VBAC but I am skeptical. Honestly, at this point the idea of pushing a baby out of me seems scary since all I have ever done is the surgical way, which is much easier. The recovery is not as easy, but getting the baby out is much quicker.
I have my typical pregnancy cold going on right now, which is discouraging. I had two before 13 weeks during my pregnancy with A. My ob doesn't advise any drugs prior to 13 weeks, even those thought to be safe during pregnancy. And she told me the same thing at my appointment today. Which means I am miserable with this terrible sinus pain. Ah well, sacrifice is good every now and then, right?

Head in the toilet, yeah yeah yeah

2007-09-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

Man, I really should've remembered that it is imperative to scrupulously clean your toilets before you enter the head in the toilet phase of pregnancy. It is such a vicious cycle. I puke, I see yuckies in the toilet, I puke some more. Yuckies don't go away and now I am looking at regurgitated cheerios and more puking commences. Eventually my stomach finally realizes that there is nothing left in my stomach to puke and the puking stops. For a short while.
I finally christened the car today by puking in it while in the parking lot of the lab where I had my blood drawn. Of course, once again, my ziploc had a leak in the bottom of it so I ended up essentially puking on my jeans. So fun.
S. has been so lovely about the whole thing. He has been doing dishes, changing poopy diapers (A's, not mine), and keeping this ship afloat while I watch TV and sleep on the couch. Not to mention that he is doing this after I told him multiple times that he can't turn towards me while sleeping because the smell of his breath wakes me up. Poor man gets 8 weeks off on sabbatical and ends up spending half of it tending to his sickened wife and unruly 2 year old.
He is currently at the store with A. because the smell of the grocery store would probably be my undoing, especially WalMart. Love. That. Man.
I will be 10 weeks along in 2 days and I am praying that I will get a respite from all the ickiness sooner rather than later. I have a doctor's appt on Wednesday...we will see how that goes.

Note to self...

2007-09-07T17:53:00.000-07:00

Don't go on 5 hour plane rides with a 2year old and also be 8 weeks pregnant. A. was a dream, but I however could smell every person with bad breath that sat on the plane. And the food they were making. And my mom's perfume. I wanted to die.
On another note, Hawaii smelled very good. It rained every day we were there and the whole place smelled wonderfully fresh and clean and earthy.
S's smell continues to thwart me. I love the man and normally love his smell but right now I feel like I want vomit when he wears any sort of cologne or deodorant. Why do all men's products have to smell so musky?
So, in short I am still naseous, still vomiting intermittently, still fatigued and infinitely looking forward to a month from now when I can turn the corner and start feeling better and wearing maternity clothes.
On another note, we made the big announcement the day after our ultrasound results. And today I told playgroup. Soon, the whole club will know that I am pregnant. It was a big step for me to announce it so soon but I feel confident that everything is okay now that I got the okay from my doctor.

Ultrasound today

2007-08-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

I saw the little bean inside of me for the first time today. It makes this whole thing seem so very real to me now. I saw the little heart beating away and realized that there is something alive inside me. It seems weird to me that a little heart is beating away right now deep inside my womb. I am excited to meet this little person already.
S. and A. were with me and saw everything. A. had no idea what was going on and was a little angry that he didn't get to play with the ultrasound machine.
I am still nauseous and very tired. And I have gained 4 pounds already. Not so good. Hunger seems to be my worst enemy right now..every time I get the slightest bit hungry I end up feeling like I want to vomit. So I shove food in my face to feel better and it is not the best stuff to be eating.
We are leaving for Hawaii tomorrow and I am hoping that I feel okay for our trip. Wish me luck!

Barf

2007-08-20T11:01:00.000-07:00

Man, I feel like I could vomit at any minute. I was dreading this day, which has come a week earlier than my pregnancy with A. I guess I will have to start packing the ziploc baggies with me everywhere I go now in case I need to puke on the run.
I mastered the art of puking discreetly with my pregnancy with A. I had a little baggy in my purse and I would just find a quiet place (If no bathroom was readily available) and hork my little guts out. Close up the baggy and toss it in the garbage, or zip up my purse and throw it away if I couldn't find a garbage can close by. I even kept a few in my car, although I would not recommend barfing while driving. The poor man who had the parking space next to me at work saw many unpleasant things during my pregnancy. Scary, unspeakable things.
Well, hopefully if it starts early it will end early too. I think I was finally feeling better by 14 weeks. So I have 8 weeks to go until I feel okay.

Exhausted

2007-08-15T19:41:00.000-07:00

Dear lord I am so tired. I am 5 weeks 1 day tomorrow and feeling exhausted in the evenings. Even if I take a nap during the day I still feel like I have run a marathon by 7pm. Which is right during my peak of activity for the evening (bath and bedtime).
Still intermittently cramping. No sign of nausea yet, thank goodness. I am wondering how I will be feeling next week at this time, however.
Did a step class this morning and it felt great. My new heart rate monitor works great. I am glad I took the risers off of the step, though, because I was sweating my butt off with just the bench and not the riser.
Is it time for bed yet?

My first post

2007-08-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

Well, this is my first post in my new pregnancy blog. I still can't believe that I am pregnant again. I am trying very hard to make this a positive pregnancy and a healthy one. Thus the reason for starting a blog. I am going to post at least once a week, if not more.
I am 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant.
So far my only symptoms are fatigue that lasts all day, cramping, and breast tenderness. If I remember correctly the barfing didn't start with A. until week 6 or 7. So I have a couple of weeks to try to live it up before I start throwing up nonstop. Actually, it coincides with A. and I leaving on our big trip to Hawaii, so I am sure the plane ride will be so much fun for the both of us.
I have told a couple of friends who needed to know but our families have no clue. We probably won't tell them until the trip to Hawaii. They would be suspicious if I wasn't having a yummy cocktail when we got there and they know we were trying to get pregnant so they would put two and two together anyway.
My first doctor's appt is the day before we leave. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am hoping to make it that far. It seems hard to believe that only 10% of pregnancies that are discovered by a HPT end in miscarriage. Perhaps suffering 2 in a row makes this statistic seem unbelievable to me. I wish I could be one of those women who gets pregnant and starts buying baby clothes. But I am not.
Steve bought me a heart monitor. He is such a sweetheart of a husband. I am determined to stay active this pregnancy and try not to gain the 50 pounds I gained last time. I am going to try out my new toy at step class on Sunday.
I am excited to start this blog. It is the beginning of a wonderful journey.